Looking for a Solution, or Just Venting?

On my best parenting days, my kids complain about something, and I check if they want to be heard or if they are after a solution to their problem. More often than you would think, they just need to vent.

Figuring out your role in helping your children is a meta-problem (choice of which problem to solve) which many of us face daily. Realizing the problem is not what you thought it was can be hard, particularly in the moment.

I have 3 kids (12, 10, and 6) and over the years have collected some reminders to help me help them.

From How Toddlers Thrive I learned my job is not to make sure they are happy all the time. When I solve the meta-problem of “what is my role as a parent” I know that my first job is to help them be ok with the world as it exists, not to solve their problem.

From Fearless Feeding I learned the “division of responsibility” - setting the framework is up to the parents, but kids get to decide what to do with their bodies. When I solve the meta-problem of “how should I feed my kids” I know that my first job is to set guidelines they can work within, not to make them eat specific things. 

From Mind in the Making I learned that executive function skills are often the thing kids need to develop most of all through time and practice. When I solve the meta-problem of “how should my kids interact with others,” I know that my first job to help them see when they need to slow down or understand someone else’s perspective,  not to get them to behave better.

From The Emotional Lives of Teens I learned that most of the time, kids complain to feel better. When I solve the meta-problem of “how can I teach them to be content with their lot,” I know that my first job is usually just to listen, not to point out how good they have it.

As a parent of younger kids, you’re typically fighting a lot of daily battles. It can be hard to figure out how cleaning up toys (or not) fits into that bigger picture, and that’s assuming you have the time and presence of mind to even step back and ask the question.

It helps to be clear what you are working towards. The key thing I decided before even having kids is that, given all the ways I could parent in the world, my goal is that my kids grow up to be the kinds of adults I admire - creative, kind, confident. I measure my daily parenting choices against that eventual goal.